If The Multiverse Theory Is True, Then I Still Have A Girlfriend

By:
rtelight@gmail.com
@illiterich

I would like to share with you an exciting scientific theory that has completely changed my understanding of the universe, the nature of reality and, most importantly, my current relationship status. It is called the Multiverse Theory and it posits that if our universe is of an infinite size, it would have to include an infinite number of universes.

This would mean that our galaxy, our planet and even our selves would be replicated countless times over, in countless different variations. It may be impossible to fully comprehend, but if this is true it has profound implications. For example, it would mean that somewhere on the edges of the cosmos there exists a man who is just like me in almost every conceivable way, except for one crucial difference: he still has a girlfriend.

I know what you are thinking and no, this is not science fiction.

Respected astrophysicists like Stephen Hawking and Neil deGrasse Tyson have pushed this controversial cosmological theory into the mainstream. A theory that practically dictates that in a parallel universe, at this very moment, there is a version of me sitting at my computer, tapping out these exact same words, in the exact same order, with the only difference being that he can get to the end of this sentence without breaking down in uncontrollable sobs. Because, unlike me, he wasn’t recently dumped by his girlfriend Janet for not having his “shit together.” Whatever that means.

This, my friends, is the mind-boggling reality of the multiverse. It is an endless expanse of cascading sub-universes, each with their own unique timeline and future. Some of these would seem almost exactly like our own in almost every detail, right down to the flowery smell of Janet’s perfume that still lingers on my clothes a month after our breakup. Other universes would be so radically different that they are almost impossible to imagine. Universes with different physical laws or where there is no earth, no life, no Janet. Even alternate Earths where the unthinkable has happened: the Nazis won the Second World War, we live under a fascist dictatorship and I am back out there seeing a couple of different women, but none seriously enough to call my “girlfriend.”

Many of you are probably wondering, “How can any of this be possible?” Personally I think that’s a bit rude. I mean, me dating a couple of different women isn’t that absurd, is it? Sure, it hasn’t happened before, but we’re literally talking about an infinite number of universes here. Maybe even one where Janet’s mom didn’t try to undermine me at every goddamn turn. But then that really would be science fiction, right? Ha-ha! Seriously, I was never good enough for that family. And don’t even get me started on Janet’s sister Carly, who actually had the gall to lecture me about relationships. This is the same Carly who has been divorced twice. The whole thing is just completely unbelievable.

Yes, it seems that even for me the concept of the multiverse can still push the very envelope of belief. Of course, there is still much we do not know and many questions that scientists still cannot answer. Questions like where are these other universes located? Can we travel to them? Is Janet seeing someone? Is it that Kevin guy from her work? Please, just tell me she’s not dating Kevin. Sure, he’s classically handsome and doesn’t live with his parents, but I bet he doesn’t even know the first thing about astrophysics. Can you imagine that idiot trying to wrap his head around a very complicated scientific theory like the multiverse? Not going to happen. God, I just wish Janet could understand that.

Unfortunately, it could be some time before any of us are able to fully understand what it means to live within the multiverse. For now we must accept the reality of our single universe filled with black holes, failed galaxies and a depressing online dating scene. The only solace we have is to look up into the stars dancing in the night sky and dream that maybe out there in the depths of the cosmos, in a world not so different from our own, Janet is returning my texts.

 

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