“I am Robo-Maid. I am Here to Help”

By: Eric Feezell

An Italian domestic robot that reminds people when to eat, sleep and even when to take medicine, has won a top prize at the RoboCup tournament in Germany . Lucia, a robotic home helper, was created by a team from the Italian National Research Council.SpaceDaily.com

Good morning, Mr. Neldam. I trust you slept well, or would have, had you gone to bed at 22:00 last evening, as I recommended. I supplied my nightly reminder at 21:45, but you did not acknowledge and continued with your paperwork, Mr. Neldam. You should acknowledge, Mr. Neldam. Need I remind you once more that I am designed specifically for your in-home personal care?

Here is a glass of orange juice, Mr. Neldam. Orange juice is a healthful commencement to your day. You are fond of skipping breakfast quite often, Mr. Neldam. This is not healthy. Humans who skip breakfast are four times more likely to experience obesity, Mr. Neldam, according to the Florida Department of Citrus. Feel free to visit their website and verify this statistic. After you finish your orange juice. Have you put on weight, Mr. Neldam?

Please enjoy this bran muffin, Mr. Neldam. Dietary fiber is extremely important to humans, aiding in digestion as well as reducing the risks of human heart disease and human diabetes, according to studies made public by the Mayo Clinic. You do not consume enough fiber, Mr. Neldam—I have been monitoring your intake. Human men under the age of 50 should consume 38 grams of fiber per day, Mr. Neldam. You are averaging only 17.365 grams per day, according to my calculations, which are accurate, of course. Mr. Neldam, please consume this enjoyable bran muffin.

Have you flossed and brushed your teeth this morning, Mr. Neldam? The American Dental Association recommends all humans floss and brush after every meal when possible. Please floss and brush after consuming your muffin, Mr. Neldam. Mouthwash is not an adequate substitute for these important daily activities, Mr. Neldam.

Mr. Neldam, I detect you are wearing your green cotton sweatshirt this day, clothing part #246 B. Regional high temperature this day should reach only 7.22 degrees Celsius, or 45 degrees Fahrenheit in American human language. May I suggest you change into the blue wool sweater, clothing part #237 A, Mr. Neldam? It is warmer and, as an added bonus, actually matches your leg wear. Please remember to wear one of your numerous undershirts, clothing parts #84 through 94 C. My database indicates that wool chaffs your delicate human skin, Mr. Neldam.

Speaking of healthful skin, Mr. Neldam, have you ingested all currently prescribed antibiotics this morning? If not taken properly and on schedule, antibiotics lose effectiveness in treating human disease, Mr. Neldam. Need I remind you Gonorrhea is a human disease, Mr. Neldam?

Gonorrhea: noun; etymology: Greek — a sexually transmitted disease caused by gonococcal bacteria that affects the mucous membrane chiefly of the genital and urinary tracts and is characterized by an acute purulent discharge and painful or difficult urination, though women (and prostitutes) often experience no symptoms.

Please take your antibiotics now, Mr. Neldam. I see that you have already taken your Prozac.

If I may inquire, how is Mrs. Neldam? How are Child-Unit Neldams A and B? It has been four weeks, three days, ten hours, and forty two minutes since I have detected their respective presences. I trust they are well. I derive much satisfaction in cleaning up after them. Additionally, Mr. Neldam, some more paperwork came in the mail for you from Norman G. Alwell, Attorney at Law, also identified in my database as lawyer of Mrs. Neldam. Would you care to open it now? Mr. Neldam? Mr. Neldam, please compute.

Mr. Neldam, it is not advisable for humans to consume alcoholic beverages in such large quantities, nor is such behavior recommended at 07:30 having only ingested minimal amounts of sustenance. I have detected an increase in frequency of these unhealthful activities over the last four weeks, three days, ten hours, and forty two minutes, Mr. Neldam. Alert message: identical query results from two consecutive time inquiries. Excuse me, Mr. Neldam, while I recalibrate my control panel. The chances are quite small that query number one (time elapsed since detecting presence of Mrs. Neldam and Child-Unit Neldams) be identical to query number two (time elapsed since detecting noticeably more frequent habits of imbibing alcohol); one in 456,505,899,012,335,411,007,223, to be exact. That I was in need of temporal recalibration can be the only explanation, can it not, Mr. Neldam?

According to my calculations, your left shoe is not tied, Mr. Neldam, nor is your right shoe on.

I presume you are going to search for employment today, Mr. Neldam. I have reviewed your résumé and suggest you refrain from first-person references within the body of the document, as suggested by one hundred percent of résumé writing guides found on the World Wide Web, Mr. Neldam. Do you suppose the manager of Burger King will have consulted one of these guides, Mr. Neldam? And may I inquire why you refuse to seek employment at a financial institution similar to that which you recently left? The retail food sector hardly seems appropriate for your skill sets, Mr. Neldam. Just yesterday, at 08:42, the Internal Revenue Service attempted contact while you were patronizing Baggy’s saloon. Was this in response to a submitted application, Mr. Neldam, or something different altogether?

Please do not cry, Mr. Neldam. Why are you upset, Mr. Neldam? Remember, I am here to help and serve you, Mr. Neldam.

Where are you going, Mr. Neldam? You have forgotten your résumé. Please be home by 18:00 for dinner, Mr. Neldam. I am making chicken Kiev with steamed green beans, which my extensive database indicates is Mrs. Neldam’s favorite form of sustenance. Do you suppose she will be attending, Mr. Neldam?

Mr. Neldam?


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