Has Your Child Recently Mastered The Four Elements?

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If you’re reading this, your child has just conquered his fourth and final element (likely Fire) and achieved the rank of Master. You’re probably experiencing many emotions: pride, reverence, crippling fear. This is completely normal. You’re just adjusting to the fact that your little one has become the spirit of Gaia manifested in human form. While you may be overwhelmed, remember you’re not alone. Parents of little Masters have been tackling the same issues since the dawn of elemental manipulation. We’ve compiled their most frequent questions here.

What are some of the common mistakes parents of a new Master make?

The most common error parents make is using their little Master’s abilities for housekeeping or evil. Too often one hears of a child earth-bending the mulch in the yard, pyrokinetically heating up the family dinner, or flooding the basement of his mother’s book club nemesis. Beware of your selfish urges. They will only bring you shame. So will tattoos of Chinese characters. Don’t get them.

In his new enlightened state, I feel like my child thinks he’s better than me. Am I crazy?

No. Your child is better than you. You may grow tired of his disciplined, benevolent ways, but know that they are for a greater purpose. Why did he have to shave off all his hair? For aerodynamic efficiency and to symbolize his renunciation of vanity. Is he always going to make you pull over when he sees struggling peasant farmers or senses seismic disturbances? Absolutely. Your child has reached an astral plane of higher consciousness. Do not fight this. Seek his counsel on important matters.

My child is glowing and his eyes have rolled over, turning a brilliant white. It is strangely beautiful, but should I be concerned?

Your child is experiencing a rare loss of control. He has retreated from his body and entered the spirit world. Also, he is now in a state of unharnessed supernatural power. This happens in situations involving intense emotion. Has someone angered him deeply or threatened a loved one? Did he just lose a close game of Candyland? In a calm voice, state the consequences of such behavior: “If you don’t leave the spirit world right this second, I’m going to take the body you’ve vacated to your room.” If your child’s power only seems to strengthen, evacuate, making sure to grab sharp or flammable objects on your way out.

I’m concerned about my little Master’s ability to interact with kids his own age. What can I do to help?

At first, your child will struggle to relate to his peers. Nobody ever made friends meditating through lunch and moving playground pebbles with his mind. Don’t bother trying to make his skills seem “cool” to other kids (e.g., “Timmy can fly!”), for your little killjoy will humbly correct you (“I merely ask for Wind’s assistance and She, in her infinite glory, obliges”). Expose him to as many group activities as possible. He will insist upon solitude, but you must be firm. If he doesn’t learn social skills now, the next thing you know, you’ll have a forty-year-old chaste sage living in your basement.

My child took a little long than most to master Earth and Fire and he’s now a teen Master. Is this a bad thing?

Yes. Going through puberty and realizing one’s full potential to command nature makes for a very confusing and challenging time for a young Master. He may turn despondent, angry even. Common signs include:

— Refusing to leave the couch, instead blowing munchies to himself and rinsing off the crumbs with indoor rain

— A sudden lack of interest in saving humanity

— Crafting ice sculptures in the likeness of an unrequited love (often using own tears)

— An obsession with Sylvia Plath

Reassure your teen that his feelings are normal, but remind him that he must resolve them in a way that does not disrupt the balance and harmony of all living things.

With my child’s new powers, he’s become so independent. I feel completely useless. Help!! What can I do?

You must give your child space. Initially, you will insist on chaperoning all of his adventures in goodwill: the trip to the Somali village to end their drought, the pilgrimage to Caracas to quell that earthquake. You will smile as the villagers touch the hem of his garments and genuflect. They grow up so fast, don’t they? It’s time to let go and allow your child to make these journeys on his own

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