Geriatric Ultimate Fighting

By: Gregory Mazurek

Dear Residents:

In providing quality programming activities at Richmond Rivers Nursing Home, we are pleased to announce that Thursday nights will be changed from bingo to Richmond Rivers Ultimate Fighting (RRUF) sponsored by the Ultimate Fighting Championship.

The UFC contacted me on Tuesday after reading in our community bulletin about Ethel Hendleman’s snappy comment that Lorraine Ginford was a “blind bat” for stamping uncalled numbers on her bingo sheet. After consulting with both Ethel and Lorraine, we agreed to allow them to settle their differences over a cage match.

Before you go back to your rooms after breakfast in Sunrise Dining Hall, you’ll be wheeled to the Comfort & Care Room where you’ll find sign-up sheets, liability release forms, and anabolic steroids. If you prefer, you can ask your nurse to include these injections in your morning routine, which will be slightly modified to account for your new exercise regime, tentatively called RUFF Hell Week.

In keeping with the guidelines set forth for RRUF, all participants will undergo a physical training program that would have tested your body’s limit sixty years ago. Today, well, that’s why we have you signing the liability release forms. It’s essential that everyone participates in order to get a chance at Netflix streaming our trademark-pending RRUF Thursday Night Xtreme Madness!

When you get back to your rooms, you won’t have much time to spend watching television, reading, or greeting your grandchildren because you will need to review the rulebook placed next to your emergency call button. Like bingo, you’ll enjoy RRUF because you’ll be playing with your friends, meeting new people, and spending time in the Sunset Recreation Room. Unlike bingo, you’ll be allowed, encouraged, and possibly compensated to kick, grab, punch, tackle, jab, and taunt. Like Tuesday Theme Nights, you’ll be allowed to wear costumes but you still will not be allowed to bite anyone. We cannot stress this enough.

For those who do not make it through the RRUF Hell Week training program, you will still have the opportunity to watch and cheer your fellow residents from outside the steel reinforced caged octagon currently being constructed by the Handy Guys community club.

This coming Saturday, we’ll have our first practice round in which 81-year-old Fletcher Thompson will bring his domino-steady hands to battle against 91-year-old Stewart Carrington and his bad knee.

“I’m going to send Stewart back to physical therapy,” Fletcher said in a statement yesterday.

Afterwards, 87-year-old Rebecca Sandrom will arrive straight from St. Steven’s Hospital to wage war against 89-year-old Lucy Jackson, who says she’s “been waiting since last month’s movie night for an opportunity at revenge.”

“My bad back won’t stop me from busting her knee again,” Rebecca stated at last night’s weigh-in.

Following this, a steel ceiling will be lowered upon the octagon for our main event. Lorraine and her 101 lbs. of geriatric steel will engage Ethel and her 103 lbs. of re-constructive knee surgery in what some residents are already calling “a legal nightmare.”

We hope you’re as excited as we are about this new program. A lot of the pent-up frustrations that have come to surface during recent bingo nights can now be released during what will hopefully be a cornerstone fundraising generator for the home.

Best of luck and remember to bend with your knees.


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