Fifteen Don’ts When Trying To Bring Awareness To Your Color Blindness

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1. Do not make your color blind awareness ribbon blue, because it is likely not blue at all, but purple, which is quite effective if you’re trying to raise money for lupus.

2. When going door-to-door and someone gives you lupus money, do not scoff and say, “Yeah, like that’s a problem,” because it is likely their uncle has lupus and they’re not at a point where they can joke about it.

3. Though you might avoid color-related ribbon gaffs and the idea seems perfect (like a big welcoming, color-inclusive tent), do not wear a rainbow ribbon or fly rainbow flags, as rainbows have been co-opted by (a) six-year-old girls, (b) the Hawaiians and (c) the homosexuals.

4. Do not then get frustrated with colors in general and opt for a see-through ribbon. No one will notice.

5. Do not give up on the term “color blind” for the more politically correct “color deficient,” as this makes you sound somewhat retarded.

6. Do not switch gears entirely and make a T-shirt that has a picture of a dog and then underneath says, “We see the same colors.” Not only is the analysis confusing but it offends both dogs and the color blind.

7. Do not come up with a new campaign altogether called “Guide Dogs for the (Color) Blind.” This immediately puts the blind on the defensive.

8. If you do go ahead with the guide dog idea, do not dye your dog’s fur orange, no matter what you are trying to bring awareness to. Your hands and the dog’s coat will itch like hell.

9. Do not take this orange dog into area malls claiming it is a necessary service animal.

10. When getting escorted from a store, do not mutter anything about civil rights or entitlements or anything constitutiony. The mouthy girl working at Banana Republic will be a civics major and point out a number of things, the most obvious being that your head is firmly planted up your high school-educated ass.

11. While walking your orange service dog, do not wear dark sunglasses. Do not tilt your head slightly upward. These will be seen as a further attempt to stereotypically and mockingly ape the sightless.

12. Just forget about dogs altogether, okay?

13. Do not underestimate the blind. Though they claim they can’t see much of anything, that doesn’t stop them from seeing your ass and then kicking it.

14. Do not be embarrassed to seek medical attention, regardless of who bloodied your face and whether or not there was anything “blind” about the cane they used to do it.

15. Do not wonder why they call it a black eye. Because even the blindest of the color blind among us know it’s more of a purple, and that it hurts just the same.

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