Donald Rumsfeld, Bored and Unable to Get Other Work, Takes a Job as a Teen Advice Columnist

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Q: I’m a late bloomer and it’s really hurting my social life. None of the boys will talk to me! How can I make them bigger? — Ashley, 13.

A: Ashley –- As you know, you go to junior high with the boobs you have, not the boobs you might want or wish to have at a later time. Now stop complaining and get out there and show everyone that a light, mobile, rapid-response pair of breasts is the best strategy.

Q: Hi Donald! My friend Kaitlin has been spreading rumors about me. But I don’t know what she’s been saying! All the girls have been looking at me like I’m psycho but I know it’s her. What should I do? — Monica, 14.

A: Monica –- Let me explain how the world works. There are known knowns. Kaitlin is a lying skank. This is a thing we know we know. But we also know there are unknowns. That is to say, we know there are some things we don’t know. Like Kaitlin’s whereabouts tomorrow around 3 p.m. And then there are the unknown unknowns. This would be Kaitlin’s ability to withstand a continuous stream of water pouring over her face before finally breaking. So get a bucket and go know some unknowns.

Q: Mr. Rumsfeld, I’m being pressured by my boyfriend to go all the way but I don’t think I’m ready yet. How can I tell him that without losing him? — Leslie, 15.

A: Let me tell you a story, Leslie. One time I was with my friend, let’s call her, oh, I don’t know…”Kindalisa.” And she was pressuring me, BIG TIME, to follow something called the Geneva Convention rules. And she kept nagging me, and nagging me, and I thought, “Should I give in? Everyone’s doing it, right?” Well, no, I didn’t give in. I held out for what I believed in. That’s called integrity, Leslie. And it’s the most precious gift of all.

Q: I don’t have a prom date! I totally hate my life. If I have to go with my brother, I’ll just die. What can I do? — Tania, 17.

A: Tania — You are being extremely narrow-minded. My sister and I had a lovely time.

Q: I hate my science teacher! He’s so mean. I was totally not talking in class but he made me stand in the corner facing everyone all period!! He’s totally picking on me!! What can I do about this? — Becky, 14.

A: That’s it? You stood in front of a room for 40 minutes? Trust me, sweetheart, you got off easy.

Q: I’m so mad!!! I think my boyfriend’s cheating on me! He always says he’ll text me and then he doesn’t. What’s up with that???? And my friends say they saw him with that slut Joanne at Taco Bell last night. How can I be sure if he’s sneaking around? — Angela, 16.

A: Angela, do you own a 12 volt battery and some electrode wires? Do you know what a scrotum is? I think I’ve said enough.

Q: I’ve been fighting with my best friend over a boy! And now I’m totally miserable. I want my best friend back! 🙁 Is there a way to know how long this fight will last? — Jessie, 16.

A: No, Jessie, I can’t tell you if the fight will last five days, or five weeks, or even five months. But it certainly isn’t going to last any longer than that.

Q: Who do you think is more awesome, Zak Efron or Cody Linley? My friend Janet says Zak but I think Cody is so much cuter!!! — Savannah, 15.

A: What are you, retarded? Zak. His callow looks, lithe physique and piercing blue eyes render obsolete all heartthrob rivals. Cody Linley? You might as well just tack up a poster of Osama Bin Laden on your wall.

Q: Hey! I wrote you earlier about my science teacher. Your advice was horrible! Where do you get off giving advice to anyone? — Becky, 14.

A: Where are you going to be around 3 p.m. tomorrow, Becky? I think my new friends Monica and Angela can help answer any questions you might have about my credentials.

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