Dear Future Matt

By:

Friday

Dear Future Matt,

How are you? Wow. I can’t believe it’s been a whole year since Youth Group Retreat, when Rev. Mark asked you to write a journal to yourself one year in the future. If you don’t remember, Youth Group Retreat was amazing. Rev. Mark planned a lot of fun activities, like Bible Jeopardy, Prayer Circle, Team-Building and Scavenger Hunt. They all ruled. Everyone was really nice, especially Josh and Tim, even though they play football. What am I saying? You guys are probably best friends by now. Nice job.

I’d also like to congratulate you on the one year anniversary with new girlfriend, Leslie Springer. It’s weird how you met at Youth Group Retreat and how she was really hot and popular and you were more big-boned and intellectual but still, you two totally fell in love. You guys are probably reading this together, laughing about how everything is so awesome. Which reminds me: As you are most likely a wonderful lover and this letter is kinda long, go ahead and take a sex break. Glad everything is so awesome.

Your Self,

Matt

* * * * * * *

Saturday

Dear Future Matt,

How are you? Man, it’s a good thing you, Tim and Josh are such good friends now. You might want to jokingly remind them about how, one year ago, they wouldn’t let you join their Team-Building team. But it was probably some sort of secret test, to see if you would be all like “whatever,” which you were.

You also did awesome at being “whatever” when Tim let you fall during an impromptu trust fall and then high-fived Josh. Perhaps you somehow knew that in the space of a year, you would lose 50 pounds, have that growth spurt and take his place as football quarterback. And now when you let a water bottle trust-fall onto the ground, you trust he’ll pick it up.

You may not remember this, but you smoked fools in Bible Jeopardy. Rev. Mark was really impressed but no one else gave you props, not even your future lover Leslie Springer (a current embarrassing fact for her, I’m sure). But when Rev. Mark broke out the guitar and asked if anyone knew how to play, Josh played pitch-perfect J. Mayer and you heard Leslie Springer say, “OMG. He’s so cute.” That’s ironic now, because Leslie Springer is yours (YOURS) and remains faithful even when you’re busy touring with your platinum-selling emo band. It’s so cool how she understands, but I’m sure your first hit, “Hey There, Leslie Springer” didn’t hurt (and also, sex breaks). Glad everything is so awesome.

Your Self,

Matt

* * * * * * *

Sunday

Dear Future Matt,

How are you? You are probably laughing right now, remembering the one year anniversary of the most ironic day of your life.

If you remember, at morning prayer circle, you just happened to be holding hands with Jessica Bramford, who was right next to Leslie Springer, and told Leslie Springer that you had sweaty palms and also smelled. It’s cool that you have no hard feelings. Besides, she probably apologized sometime before she died of that aggressive leukemia. No worries.

It’s also ironic that one year ago, your future best friend Tim decided to ransack your Star Wars sleeping bag in the middle of the night and give you pink belly in front of the entire Youth Group Retreat. And when you were not, I repeat, not crying on the floor, Rev. Mark told you to stop embarrassing yourself. I’m sure this is all ironic now because as everyone found out, Tim is secretly gay with Rev. Mark and they give each other pink belly every night. Who saw that coming? Answer: you did. But it’s cool you’re all “whatever” about it and are still friends. Nice job.

It’s also ironic that during scavenger hunt, you found the following: a green bench, a basketball, Tony’s Pizzeria, a blue dumpster, Josh and Leslie Springer making-out and a giant tire.

I’m sure this is such a minor bump in the road that you probably don’t even remember, but you kind of lost it and called Leslie Springer a “whore.” And then she said, “I wouldn’t date you if you were the last guy on earth” which, at the time, really seemed like a road block to your future happiness.

But who would have guessed that every guy on earth (including f-ing Josh) would be made infertile by that freak testicle virus? Everyone, that is, except you. Nice job. So, for the future of humanity, you two better take another sex break. Glad everything is so awesome.

Your Self,

Matt

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