Dan’s Diner Survey

By: Luke Strickler

When was the last time you dined with us?

Today: 7pm – closing

Who was your waiter/waitress?

See, that’s why I’m here. I think her name is Ashley, but her nametag was covered by a piece of flair that said “Burgers 4 Life.” Anyway, do you think you could give her my number?

How many people were in your party?

Just one. I’ve been coming here for a while, trying to work up the courage to talk to…Anna? Maybe it’s Amy. I just call her Angel Face.

How was the quality of your meal?

See, that’s another thing. I didn’t really order any food. I was just trying to sit in Angel Face’s area and work on my opening line. Tell me if this is good: “Are you on this menu? Because I love you.”

What was your total for the night?

$50. I wasn’t aware that your unlimited refill policy doesn’t apply if “you just keep ordering cokes and staring at the staff.” You should really put that on the menu somewhere, along with the “No taking pictures” rule.

How much did you tip your waiter/waitress?

$75 and a poem I wrote about her: “Roses are red/ Violets are blue/ You are a waitress/ Please love me back.”

Would you recommend our restaurant to your friends and family?

I’d bring them in to meet Angel Face. I’d want her to feel like a welcome part of the family and I’m sure my mom and her have a lot in common, seeing as they both bring me my dinner.

How was the quality of service you received?

Like…good, but not “she’s definitely into me” type of good. I mean, I’ve been coming here during her shift for weeks, so she’s must know who I am. I just can’t tell if she’s into me, or if she’s just good at her job. If you could, just casually bring me up one day, just to see what happens. Maybe tell her she’s fired, ask, and then rehire her, just to test the waters.

Was the restaurant well maintained?

The outside is a beautiful work of art, crafted by God himself, while I’m sure the inside is a soft, caring place that needs me just as much as I need them.

Please provide any additional comments to help us improve your dining experience.

Just help me out here, man. I’ve been pumping money into this place nonstop for three weeks now, you can do me this solid and we’ll call it even. This is fate. I came in looking for beef and found love. I don’t know if you guys are set on your slogan, but you can use that one if you want. See, now you definitely owe me one. You can pay me back by giving Angel Face this survey. I’ve attached my phone number, home address, and a spare key to the back. Please give everything to Angel Face, and tell her “There’s no waiting on love.”

Oh, and the chicken sandwich could be crispier.


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