OFFICIAL RULES: To enter the Bow Wow! Cancun Second Honeymoon Getaway Contest, simply buy a specially-marked can of Econo-Meat Dog Food and scratch off the Winner’s Circle on the label to reveal the words “Grand Prize Winner.” Then call our toll-free contest hotline at 1-800-555-0707 to claim your two-week, all-expenses-paid dream vacation at Rancho Reductio in exotic Cancun, Mexico.
ALTERNATIVE METHOD OF ENTRY: NO PURCHASE NECESSARY. Using a single 3″ x 5″ card, type or legibly print a 3,000-word essay on why you deserve a second honeymoon, with as much explicit, clinical detail as possible on your first honeymoon. A signed note from your personal physician is allowed but not required. Explain exactly what you did or did not find satisfactory the first time around, and why. Don’t be shy. Winning (and losing) entries become the sole property of the Econo-Meat Dog Food Company, and may be used in advertisements, promotional campaigns, direct mail offers, billboards, bumper stickers, fast-food action figures, romance novel tie-ins, made-for-TV movies and late-night 900 number commercials. Entries must be received no later than — and no earlier than — midnight, December 31, 2002. Econo-Meat Dog Food is not responsible for late, early, damaged or misdirected mail, or for mail intercepted and opened by covert federal agencies, snoopy relatives, passive-aggressive roommates, landladies, or extraterrestrial interlopers. Entrants must be 26 years of age, 5’11 ” tall, weigh 176 pounds, have blond hair and brown eyes (one on each side of their face), and must have graduated from Wheaton North High School on June 11, 1992. Employees of Econo-Meat Dog Food, El Termino Airlines, and Rancho Reductio and their immediate families are not eligible. Nor are any members of the species homo sapiens, or for that matter any erect bipeds, vivaporous mammals, vertebrates, or mouth-breathing creatures located anywhere on the Great Chain of Being. Only one entry per person or personality is allowed. Entrants suffering from multiple personality syndrome must submit a separate entry for each recognizable psychic entity, and the handwriting must not match. The winner must reside in the 48 contiguous United States, and shall furnish 48 driver’s licenses to prove it. Both legible and illegible entries may be disqualified at the arbitrary whim of the judges, who reserve the right to pass sentence of death on any entrant deemed unworthy of winning or existing. The winner will be selected in a non-random drawing, or “fix,” at the headquarters of Econo-Meat Dog Food on or about October 1, 2003. Federal, state and local taxes are the responsibility of the winner, as are any payoffs or bribes necessary to avoid same. This contest is void where prohibited by law and prohibited by law where void, whichever comes first. All federal, state and local laws apply — except to the Econo-Meat Dog Food Company, its heirs, assigns, beneficiaries, business partners or enemies, and any immediate or distant relatives of its employees, customers or future litigants. The odds of winning are dependent upon the number of entries received, in a pig’s eye, and may be roughly indicated by a fraction consisting of the numeral “1” over the number of atoms in the known universe. The winner will be notified by mental telepathy, and will be required to sign an affidavit of eligibility within 24 hours using only the telekinetic power of his or her mind. For a list of winners, send a self-addressed, stamped #10 envelope inside of an unstamped, unaddressed #11 envelope. This precaution will protect your privacy and ours. Prize is subject to flight and hotel availability, with the following blackout dates: January 1 to the Ides of March; March 16 to Independence Day; July 5 to Labor Day; September 2 to Christmas Eve; and December 26 to December 31. Prizes are non-refundable, non-transferable and non-redeemable in cash or any other way. No substitutions by winner. Econo-Meat Dog Food Company reserves the right to substitute a bus ride to Dubuque for the Cancun thing. All meals, taxes, gratuities, air fare and hotel expenses remain the responsibility of the “winner.” Room subject to availability and may be substituted for by a large cardboard box on a street corner next to a homeless man eating a can of Econo-Meat Dog Food.