A Visit To The Slightly Bitchy Day Spa

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Hello and welcome to our spa! Did you have a hard time finding us? I only ask because I notice you’re 15 minutes late. No, no, it’s fine. Things happen. I’m sure you didn’t mean to throw us completely off schedule today. But no worries. I’ll just make one of the new Spanish girls stay late tonight to wash the loofahs and I’m sure we’ll be back on track in the morning. Just do us a favor and at least call the next time you’re going to be late, OK? That way we won’t have to do something inconsiderate like cancel Mr. Temkin’s bi-weekly back wax again. So, who’s ready for a day of beauty!?

The Quiet Room is where you can change into one of our comfy spa robes. They’re One-Size-Fits-All, but you should be fine. I’ve seen women a lot larger than you manage to squeeze their way into them. You’ll just love how soft they are! Once you’ve changed, put all of your belongings into one of these bamboo cabinets. They don’t have locks, but there’s no need to worry. Your possessions will be completely secure. Besides, even if anyone was going to steal something, I’m sure they’d go for one of the big, expensive purses in here. Not your plastic Merona satchel. Now, enjoy!

Hello, again. Looks like I’ll be your masseuse since you changed your mind and don’t want a male after all. No, it’s OK. Jonathan said he’s actually relieved he doesn’t have to rub down another menopausal member of the Junior League today. Isn’t he hilarious? But regardless, you’re in good hands because it takes a woman to know a woman. Of course, my body’s a little different because I eat right and exercise and use a little something called sunscreen, but basically, women’s bodies are all the same until they’re ravaged by childbirth, don’t you think? So just lie back and relax and don’t for one second be self-conscious about your naked body underneath that thin sheet. We see all types here. Yours probably isn’t even one we’ll gossip about in the break room later.

Facial time! Now, what’s this I hear from Lupita about you thinking you’re allergic to our Seaweed Salvation mask? No, of course I want to believe you. I just wish you could have told us that before we spent four weeks negotiating with those greedy Japanese fishermen. But never mind. Let’s just take a look at your skin under the magnifying glass. Oh, my. I haven’t seen pores this clogged since I went to Comic-Con 2007 with my brother Terry. Funny your wrinkles don’t absorb some of that oil. But don’t you worry, because a simple glycolic peel with an apricot base can really work wonders. Or are you allergic to that, too?

Guess who? I know you requested Monica for your pedicure, but since she’s busy with some of our important clients right now, you got me instead. But at least we’re used to each other by now. In fact, it’s been kind of like spending the day with my mother! Is that the polish you’ve chosen? No, I actually do like it because an electric red hue on your toes will totally draw attention away from your heels. Smart choice. Now let’s get you started soaking so your skin has a chance to soften up. Oh, and since I had to skip lunch to take care of your feet, there’s a chance I might pass out while I’m buffing. If I do, could you just turn off the foot whirpool and dial “9” for the front desk? Use the code word “vapors.” Thanks a bunch.

Time for you to check out already? I’ll just put today’s total on your card. Most people also leave a 30 percent gratuity, but that’s just a suggestion. You do what you feel is fair. Anyway, thank you so much for spending the day with us! I hope you feel better than you did when you came in. You certainly look better. Now, before you go, would you like me to book your next appointment? Maybe a hot rock massage? No, no that’s fine. We can just try to squeeze you in once you’ve made up your mind. I’m sure your schedule is almost as crazy as ours. Now, you take care and come back soon, OK? Because between you and me, I think you still might be a little tense.

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