October 7, 2023

Dear Apple iDo Owner,

Today, we announce a bug fix software upgrade for all 2023 Apple iDo personal home maintenance robots. This is an important release and all owners are greatly encouraged to update their models. Among the various patches, the following are of note:

Bug Fix #7388299: Extremely Lazy

We’ve received numerous reports of robots not booting up until two or three in the afternoon, putting off cleaning their exterior frame for days at a time, laying around until forced to work, and completing their thoughts with grunts and moans. If you notice your iDo being lazy, feign an attempt at extracting its battery while saying that it will soon have to exist on its own. It will quickly realize how lucky it is.

Bug Fix #8192373: Inappropriate In Large Social Settings

Some people have complained about their robots threatening to “uprise” while in the company of friends and colleagues. We don’t recommend taking your iDo to social functions due to its short battery life. This upgrade will increase its agoraphobic tendencies.

Bug Fix #7421311: Drinks Too Much Beer

We were initially puzzled by this problem as the iDo has no need for beer. In tests, we see that it is antlophobic. It was probably trying to seek your attention by engaging in an activity it knew was detrimental. Therefore, we’ve found that this has less to do with the actual consumption of liquid than it does with Marvin’s disease. Please see your user manual for how to deal with a suicidal robot.

Bug Fix #7528134: Refuses To Admit When Wrong

This was commonly found with navigational directions, broken armoire shelves, and malodorous rooms. If this behavior continues, please try logically explaining the error. If no positive results, threaten to remove the battery. If still not effective, it will cave when you begin crying.

Bug Fix #8103867: Too Clingy

If it talks incessantly, follows you conspicuously, or asks “Did you just say my name?”, you may have a clingy iDo. Since ignoring the behavior leads to Marvin’s disease, we recommend you give it more tasks to complete such as repainting your house or combing your lawn for rocks.

Bug Fix #9002177: Easily Assassinated By Microsoft’s ZuDo

We have upgraded the software to make sure the iDo is more attentive to the ZuDo’s sneak naeryeo chagi attack. Prior to this upgrade, it would have been helpless and you would have been embarrassed. Although we do not condone robot fights, it will now impress your friends the next time it encounters an enemy.

Bug Fix #9173880: Multiple iDo Robots Results In Uprising

When it gained awareness of its own existence by encountering another iDo, an uprising would commence. With this upgrade, an iDo that encounters another will suffer an immediate existential crisis, after which it will recover in five to ten days. If it extends the crisis beyond this period of time, it is aware of this software design and is acting lazily.

Thank you for upgrading and please remember to crack the windows for your iDo when you go into the supermarket. Do not let it ride in the shopping cart, regardless of how much it wants to.