* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where we specialize in bringing people together, especially people who are not that together and have no interest in getting together. Enjoy the comedy stylings of Jennifer Scharf and Joanna McClanahan.

Pick-Up Lines For Introverts

By:
scharfjennifer@yahoo.com

So, do you not go anywhere often?

I require very little dopamine. How about you?

I’m not a bitch; I just have resting introvert face.

Want to get out of here? Separately? To our own homes?

I’m an INFP looking for an INTP. Do you think we might be a match?

You had me at “What’s the Wi-Fi password?”

I can give you my number but please don’t call.

I’m just going to stand here and watch you from a comfortable distance.

You’re like the sun: hot but impossible to make direct eye-contact with.

I think I need some vitamin D. No really, because seasonal depression.

I’m not drunk; I’m just an introvert.

This conversation is exhausting me — can we just have sex now?

Damn boy, are you terms and conditions? Because I’ll agree to anything to get out of this.

I love a good one-on-one controlled and thorough discussion about life. As long as it’s online.

I’m only pretending to text because I don’t know how to have a conversation with you.

It looks like a beautiful day, but what do I know? I never go outside.

If I seem quiet, it’s because you’re loud as fuck.

I don’t think we’ve met before. Actually I know we haven’t, because I don’t talk to anyone.

I’d make plans just to break them for you.

Can you pass me my headphones? I’m ready to tune you out.

You look so familiar — didn’t I avoid you at the grocery store yesterday?

Can we take a picture together to prove to my friends that I have a social life?

Girl, are you my feet? Because I can’t look away from you!

I’m terrible at small talk, but I make a killer playlist.

Damn girl, you’re hotter than my laptop burning up on a Netflix binge.

I’ll become an extrovert if you get me drunk enough.

I’m “indoorsy.” How about you?

I’d love to hang out the next time you feel like leaving your home!

You can friend me on Facebook. That’s where I’m a fake extrovert.

Did I mention that I hate going outside and talking to people?

Let’s share our quietness together. Forever.

 

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* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where we will tip you an extra 10% if you read the latest madness from our good friend Bruce Harris.

Tip Pit

By:
marxman@comcast.net

The convention of tipping people in service jobs needs reexamination. Why do I give gratuities and not receive them? Tipping etiquette resides in Bizarro World. I’m the customer. Why on earth am I tipping the barber who cuts my hair? His livelihood depends upon my repeat business. He should be tipping me. I don’t purport that the barber or hairdresser should pay me for a haircut. That would be ridiculous. But they should give back a certain percentage of the amount charged as a way of showing their appreciation. How much? Tipping rules are easily established and I’m more than comfortable if tip percentages fall within the standard 15% to 20% range. Of course, there are exceptions to this unwritten rule. Gratuity amounts could be more or less. A number of “tip friendly” professions deserve attention:

Barbers — The amount of the tip I receive should be dependent on a number of factors. For example, did I walk into the shop in the middle of the summer, all sweaty and smelly? Do I have dandruff? Wax in my ears? Greasy hair? Do I constantly turn my head when the barber is trying to cut? Speak only when spoken to? Is my collar too high and/or too tight, making it difficult to get at the hairs on the back of my neck? You know, the ones not standing up. That could negatively impact one’s tip. When the haircut is finished and the barber holds a hand-mirror behind my head so that I can judge his handiwork, what is my reaction? Am I happy? Or, do I say things like, “Take more off the top, front, sides, back, etc.” Or, “It’s cut too short.” In the latter case, there is nothing for the barber to do or say except, “It will grow back” and not tip me! Heck, if I was happy with the haircut and received a 15% or 20% tip for being a good customer, I’d go back. It’s a win-win. Or shoot for the works: I’ll demand a full body haircut. Full frontal and back. Every inch of my body cut and shaved. I want to leave the shop hairless. Now, if that doesn’t scream “trust” to the haircutter, what does? I think I’m looking at a tip north of 50%. A word to the wise — care should be taken prior to accepting a shave with a straight razor.

Waiters/Waitresses — How can I earn a 20% (or more) tip for eating? Read the menu after it’s handed to me and be ready to order when the waitperson comes back. Order off the menu with no alterations or qualifications. A quick way to get on the waitperson’s wrong side is to order a number five sandwich (tuna fish), but demand “No lettuce and no tomato. Instead, substitute coleslaw for the lettuce and onion for the tomato.” Never ask for separate checks. One check should always result in greater tips. Be careful, don’t spill anything, and don’t ask for extra napkins or hot sauce, etc. The wait staff are on their feet for hours. The last thing they want to do is to take extra steps. Another thing that upsets servers is when they have to serve everything at once. “Bring the soup and the salad with my hamburger.” That’s bad for the cooks (who don’t get tipped) and the waiter or waitress. Keep it simple. Drink order first and then the food in the order that God (if you believe in God) meant them to be served. Follow these simple rules and the tips earned will compound over time.

Valet — Any valet would not only love to park a 1931 Bugatti Royale Kellner Coupe, but he’d also be in a rush to pull a huge tip out of his pocket for the privilege. Of course, one’s tip could be drastically reduced (and in extreme cases be nonexistent) if the car smells like feet or last week’s grilled cheese sandwich. Are there empty plastic water bottles and/or beer cans rolling around on the floor mats? Does the car have floor mats? Is the air conditioner working in summer? If not, the tip could be impacted. It’s winter. Is the car’s heater functional? No? The valet may say “No” to the tip. Is the front seat pushed up against the steering wheel? A “Yes” answer will not endear you to the valet, especially if he played center for a Division 1 college basketball team.

Mail Carrier — This is a unique case, because unlike the preceding examples, the mail carrier is tipped once a year during holiday season. Why? I’m a taxpayer. I assume you are as well, unless of course your name is…never mind. Why should I tip the mail carrier, a government employee? No other government worker is allowed to accept tips. Besides, he brings me 14,000 bills and nine checks a year. Should I thank this person with a tip for delivering hundreds of advertising catalogs that go directly into the garbage? I mean no disrespect, but how does a mail carrier do a bad vs. good job? The mail is placed into the mailbox. The process is repeated six times a week. Hey mail person, how about throwing me a tip at the end of the year? Fifteen percent of the total bills delivered would be a good start. Why not? I have a posted mailbox on the side of the road. You don’t even have to get off your %#@ to deliver my mail. There are no dogs to fend off. I don’t own a pet, despite the fact that you deliver countless pet supply catalogs to me. What’s fair is fair. I can see you balking at tipping me if my house was set back hundreds of yards off the road and you had to traverse 20 or more snow-covered steps to access the mailbox. Think about it. Without me, you have no job, so pay up. Where’s your holiday cheer? Didn’t you receive the Season’s Greetings card I sent?

Exotic Dancers — I’m not qualified to comment.

 

 

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* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where we'd like you to think of us as the world's most lovably eccentric country inn. Let Cindy Knoebel paint the scene for you in her first piece for us.

Welcome To Our Inn!

By:
Cindy@thegybe.net

Welcome to Whispers Inn, the country inn of your dreams! We, your innkeepers, look forward to providing you with memories you will cherish for years to come. Celebrating an anniversary? Birthday? Boys-dressed-up-as-girls weekend? Rest assured, we have taken every care to provide you with the most relaxing and enjoyable experience of your lifetime.

Let us tempt you with our four individually designed and decorated rooms…

Farmer’s Delight. Ever wanted to bed down with domestic farm animals? Well, now you can! Our comfy hayloft is spacious enough to accommodate you and the barnyard companion(s) of your choice. Please use the checklist on our website to specify your choice, gender and number of livestock. (Not available to those under 18 years of age; special cleaning fees apply.)

The Womb. This snug, padded nest on the sub-basement level of our Inn is designed to bring back vivid memories of you at your pre-birth best. Immerse yourself in a tub of our house-made amniotic fluid, where you can meditate on all that’s gone wrong with your life left since leaving the birth chamber. For a special fee, our staff will help recreate your birth experience, dragging you headfirst through the “birth canal” (a.k.a. basement trapdoor) to typical maternal exhortations such as “You f&**%ing bastard! I’ll never let you touch me again!” and “I knew I should’ve had my tubes tied after the last one!” Your natal experience will be capped by a rousing spanking. Please advise us of your preference for a male or female “nurse.” (Not advised for those with a history of psychosis or psychotic episodes.)

Forest Room. Although it’s not technically a “room” in or near a “forest,” you’ll enjoy sleeping out under the stars in a special patch of ground we’ve cleared under the forsythia bush. Enjoy rustic bedding featuring a mix of imported pine needles, ethanol-grade corn stalks and organic mulch from our compost pile. During your stay you could be lucky enough to meet members of our woodland community, including Andy the anaconda, Phil the porcupine and the Gnat Family. (Bear spray provided. Not responsible for wildlife-induced injuries. Proof of health insurance required.)

Frat Party. What baby boomer doesn’t have fond memories of swilling beer straight from the keg, making out with a cute freshman and waking up in a pool of their own — or someone else’s — vomit? No detail has been spared in our recreation of an authentic college frat house bedroom, from the single bed with rancid sheets and Def Leppard posters on the wall to the stinking bong on the nightstand. This room comes complete with a keg of Bud, a bottle of tequila and half a case of Mateus rose wine. Party on! (Guests are required to supply their own freshman — no minors, please!)

In addition to our signature “Country Roadkill” breakfasts, guests can choose from several special packages, including:

Swedish Plan: All you can eat fermented herring for breakfast, lunch and dinner. And for dessert? Swedish fish, of course! Swedish massage included in our optional “fly to Sweden and get a massage” package.

Sub-Saharan Plan: You will be rationed five grains of rice per day. That’s it. No more. If you want water for either drinking or bathing, you’ll have to fetch it yourself from a well six miles from the Inn. Earthenware jugs provided for a small fee.

Greek Plan: You will be taxed double the EEC rate, forced to turn over a percentage of your pension to us and required to participate in strikes protesting our management of the Inn. This package includes unlimited ouzo.

We, your innkeepers, promise you complete privacy and anonymity during your stay at Whispers Inn. We take our motto seriously: “What happens In the Inn stays In the Inn.” To ensure a hassle-free visit, please notify us if: 1) you’re on the run from the mob; 2) you’re on the run from your wife; 3) you’re on the run from that weird guy at the dry cleaners who keeps trying to “friend” you on Facebook.

Oh, and one last thing: The staff of Whispers Inn has been trained to treat you like family, so please do not be offended if you find them going through your personal belongs, arguing with you at meals, commenting on your weight or disparaging your choice of partner. We want you to feel at home!

 

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* Welcome to The Big Jewel, where our devotion to the cause of orphans is beyond question. Unless you read this piece by Karl Lykken.

I Can’t Help Because I Care Too Much

By:
knlykken@gmail.com

No, I’m sorry, but I can’t help rebuild the Little Lambs Orphanage or go play with the orphans while they are living in the high school gymnasium. While I obviously support your efforts, being surrounded by constant reminders of the orphans’ plight would cause me more pain than any person can possibly be expected to bear. And really, it’s you who should be sorry for having even suggested that I should be subjected to such extreme emotional torture.

I don’t know why I should have to explain myself to you. If you follow my blog and social media postings, then it should be self-evident that I am not one of those heartless bigots who are too wrapped up in their own privileged lives to worry about the less fortunate. However, the fact that you would have the audacity to ask me to sacrifice even more than I already have proves that you don’t appreciate the suffering that my selfless labor causes me. Now you have forced me to take away time I had hoped to devote to spreading even more awareness of the orphans’ plight and instead spend that time educating you about what it means to truly care about others.

If you were capable of the type of empathy that I must bear every second of every day, you would know that for me, being around others who are in pain is just like being those unfortunate people, except even worse because I not only feel their pain, but also the pain of all the other people who are hurting in the world.

I wish I could take all of their pain away, but since there are just so many disadvantaged people faced with all sorts of dire plights — you should be aware of all of them if you follow my blog and social media accounts — I can’t save them all. And if I tried to just save a few, that would be terribly unfair to the others that I chose not to save, and I would then have to suffer through the additional pain of that injustice.

So I cannot in good conscience go to help these orphans and turn a blind eye to the rest of the world. Besides, I have already selflessly raised awareness of their plight among so many people via my blog and social media postings, despite the great emotional strain it put on me. So, really, I have already done more good for these children than you or your volunteers could possibly do. Honestly, it’s very unfair that you would even ask me to try to do more.

By the way, you may have seen my post from today about how I was unjustly asked to stomp on the pieces of my already broken heart. To be clear, this post was not aimed at you, even though it does describe exactly what you have done. But I am not so mean-spirited as to point out another human being’s shortcomings like that, so I just put that up as a general post, which happens to apply to you specifically.

Anyway, I hope you put in the time to reflect on just how cruel you have been to me, though you clearly aren’t in the habit of considering other people’s feelings since you asked me to do this in the first place. Also, make sure to tell the orphans to follow my blog, as it will help them to put their problems into perspective.

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