Selections From An Anti-Duck Propaganda Pamphlet

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Lately there has been an epidemic of DUCKS posing as PEOPLE. These ducks pretend to be HUMAN CHILDREN (ducks are small) who say they are “lost” and “need their mommies.” When an adult human tries to help the duck child, it STEALS the human’s WALLET. The ducks are then using this money to create PRO-DUCK PROPAGANDA and also to buy stale breadcrumbs.

WHY THIS IS BAD

Every time a duck eats stale breadcrumbs, that duck ingests a small amount of GROWTH HORMONE. By eating the HORMONE, normal ducks of THE PAST are quickly becoming GIANT DUCKS OF THE FUTURE. Whereas in 1940 most ducks rated a five on the Heinreich-Peterson Duck Scale, today’s ducks rate a SEVEN. At this rate, in thirty years, ducks will pretend to be HUMAN TEENAGERS instead of HUMAN CHILDREN.

Ducks try to distract humans from their GROWTH PLANS by creating PRO-DUCK PROPAGANDA. They will try to tell you that ducks are harmless, friendly animals, and that all lost children are really human. NO. This is not true. Ducks want to grow to HUMAN PROPORTIONS so they can eat FRESH BREADCRUMBS and also get country club memberships.

WHAT TO DO

If you see a human child that claims to be lost, DO NOT TRUST IT. Chances are very good that this is a DUCK in DISGUISE. Here are some clues that the child is actually a DUCK:

— The child has a long, orange nose

— The child has feathers

— The child makes a quacking noise

— The child talks obsessively about ponds and streams

— The child’s name is “Mallard”

Unfortunately, some ducks have developed very good costumes. Even if the “lost” “human” “child” you are talking to does not display any of the above symptoms, you should still be cautious. The best way to make sure that a LOST CHILD is not actually a MONEY-STEALING DUCK is to throw it in a nearby pond, stream, or ocean. If it is indeed a duck, its costume will disintegrate when it hits the water, and you will be a HERO. BEWARE: if it is actually a child, it will drown.

THINGS DUCK-EXPOSING HEROES CAN LOOK FORWARD TO

— Commendations from the mayor

— More stale breadcrumbs for themselves

— Duck-free early retirement

DO NOT LET THE DUCKS GET THE BEST OF YOU. THEY KNOW HOW TO USE CREDIT CARDS AND ALSO HOW TO CALL YOUR EX-GIRLFRIENDS. IN YOUR HOUSE, ON THE STREET, OR IN THE WORKPLACE, ALWAYS BE AWARE OF POTENTIAL DUCKS.

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Letter From Dr. Phil

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Dear Nancy,

Well, I guess this is it. I always thought that there was hope for us. But now that you’ve served the divorce papers, it’s clear that you want out.

I don’t know what more Ted and I could have done to make this work. Sure, he cheated on you. But, as you’ll recall, he was willing to do what it took to remedy that shortcoming by agreeing to participate in episode 126: “Cheating Husbands.” Sadly, you refused to take advantage of that generous offer.

Then he slept with your sister and all you could think about was yourself. As a couple, you would have been perfect for episode 177: “My Husband Slept With My Sister.” He even got down on his knees and begged my producer to call you and convince you to come on the show.

Nancy, don’t ever say that man never cared. From what I could see, his biggest crime was that he cared too much. And not just about the show. From my many third-hand conversations with Ted, I know that he cared about you, too. Admittedly, maybe not as much as the show. But let’s just say you were often in his thoughts.

Like the time he slept with your sister’s husband. Surely you had to know that all he really had in mind was a chance for you two to appear together on episode 246: “My Husband Slept With My Sister’s Husband.” If you could have just stopped thinking about yourself for one minute, you would have seen that this was an attempt to help mend your troubled relationship.

But someone who couldn’t see that her husband’s wearing of her undergarments wasn’t just about her was unlikely to be big enough to admit that there’s always fault on both sides. You had to know that we were then in the planning stages for one of our most successful episodes to date – no. 301: “My Husband Wears My Undergarments.”

You may think that Ted was simply obsessed with getting on my show. You know as well as I do that that is simply not true. Just ask Maury, Montel or even Jerry and you’ll know that his obsession, if that’s what you want to label it, was not as narrowly focused as you might have once thought.

And don’t say I don’t know Ted. Through the dozens of letters, faxes and e-mails he exchanged with various members of my staff, I believe I got to know him almost as well as some of my actual guests. The fact that the security folks here at the studio repeatedly kept him at bay does not lessen my respect for Ted one iota.

Couldn’t you see, Nancy, that Ted’s actions were a cry for help and a manifestation of his true, albeit somewhat unusual, love for you? Do you think that a man undergoes a sex change operation lightly? Surely you must have known that, at the time, we had already outlined what was to become episode 357: “My Husband Had A Sex Change To Get On TV.”

Suffice it to say, that’s all water under the psychological bridge. If the fact that Ted subsequently had his sex change reversed is not enough to elicit an “I’m sorry” from you, all I can say is that you are a cold woman who definitely needs the kind of help only a TV therapist can provide. And that’s exactly what I could have offered you if only you had agreed to be part of episode 399: “My Husband Had His Sex Change Reversed.”

If a divorce is what you truly want, then a divorce is what you’ll get. Ted isn’t asking for anything. You can have the house, the cars, the kids and all the money. All he asks is that you briefly participate by phone in our upcoming episode: “Rather Than Come On Dr. Phil With Me And Discuss My Latest Infidelity Or Peccadillo, My Wife Divorced Me.” I hope you’re a big enough woman to grant a shattered man that one small wish.

Please, Nancy, stop thinking of yourself so much and think of Ted for once. Or at least do what Ted has so selflessly done and think of the show.

Sincerely,

Dr. Phil

P. S. If all else fails, give me a call. I’m sure we can work something out just between you and me. I’m thinking maybe “My Husband Was Obsessed With Getting On Dr. Phil” or “Dr. Phil Saved Me From A Crazy Spouse.” Call me. Let’s talk.

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Before They Were Literary Giants They Submitted Lists To Hip Online Humor Magazines

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The Probable Causes Of My Demise

By Edgar Allan Poe

Buried alive through misadventure

Buried alive through devious intent (by a mortal enemy)

Sleep deprivation induced by stifling nightmares of live interment

Being –- not buried, but — enclosed, restricted or encased, in a confined area until suffocated or starved over a long period of time

Same as above, but possibly sooner if a sharpened pendulum be incorporated

Alcoholism

What I Found In My Pocket This Morning

By Charles Bukowski

An empty bottle of Jack Daniel’s

Blood

Jizz

Blood (someone else’s)

The memory of a life not lived

Herpes-riddled chapstick

My Good Friends And What I Think Of Them

By Ernest Hemingway

F. Scott Fitzgerald: Lazy Drunk

Gertrude Stein: Lazy Dyke

John Dos Passos: Overrated treacherous hack

Ford Maddox Ford: Pompous, wheezing dilettante

James Joyce: Considering he’s an Irish, emaciated, nearly blind bookworm, he can string together some decent prose.

Harold Loeb: Jew

What I Did Today And The Thoughts That Followed

By Nathaniel Hawthorne

Cooked up some eggs — Judging others is wrong

Mailed letter to Melville — It is a sin to impugn evil to another

Lightly dusted my bookshelf — Witch-hunts are bad

Attended a comedic performance — We are all sinners

Ate pot roast for dinner — I must endeavor not to believe myself holier than thou

Readied myself for bed — Christ, I don’t remember that demon postmaster stamping my letter!

What To Do If You Are Confronted With An Absurd And Impossibly Cruel Fate

By Franz Kafka

Rail against it pointlessly

Accept it inconceivably

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The Far Starboard

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The Weekly Standard, a magazine whose editorial positions are often indistinguishable from those of the Bush administration, will be testing the waters with its first-ever cruise. — Foward.com, August 1, 2007

(The night is dark. On the deck of The Weekly Standard’s cruise ship, the USS Titanic Freedom, the band plays and wealthy conservatives dance, poorly. On the bridge, the lookout, Harrison, stares ahead, searching for dangers lurking in the waves. The visibility is next-to-nothing, but Bill Kristol, the captain, editor-in-chief, and featured speaker, steers the ship with the same righteous smugness with which he does everything. All of a sudden, a massive object appears on the horizon — and the ship is heading right for it!)

CAPTAIN KRISTOL: Stay the course!

LOOKOUT: But there’s an iceberg, dead ahead. We’ve got to adjust our heading.

CAPTAIN KRISTOL: And admit defeat? What kind of message would that send to our enemies, Harrison?

LOOKOUT: Sir?

CAPTAIN KRISTOL: The world is watching, Harrison. If we surrender this patch of Artic Circle, we send a message to icebergs everywhere: “The Weekly Standard Cruise is weak.”

LOOKOUT: But sir, I’m not sure the USS Titantic Freedom is built to handle…

CAPTAIN KRISTOL: When George Washington was crossing the Delaware, he could have turned back, but he continued to the other side. Today, the Weekly Standard Cruise faces a similar choice. No matter how great the setbacks, we must not falter in our mission.

LOOKOUT: But we have to do something.

BILL KRISTOL: You’re right, Jenkins. That’s why I’m a strong proponent of the “surge,” a plan to add twenty knots per hour to our ship. That iceberg hates us, Jenkins. It hates our way of life. If we are to persevere, we need to show it that the Weekly Standard Cruise still possesses overwhelming force.

(On the first-class deck, Mary Paulson, a homemaker from Orange County, is enjoying a glass of champagne with executive editor/first lieutenant Fred Barnes when she hears a sudden crash. Lt. Barnes goes to see what the matter is, and five minutes later he returns. Mary is alarmed.)

MARY: What’s going on?

LIEUTENTANT BARNES: Certain liberal elements of the crew report that the ship is filling with water. However, as usual they neglect to mention the good news – two engine rooms still aren’t flooded, for example.

MARY: How long do we have to get to the lifeboats?

LIEUTENTANT BARNES: To put a timetable on your departure would be irresponsible, Ms. Paulson. However, we’ve been examining the options, and there’s a possibility that members of the Weekly Standard Cruise will maintain a presence on the cruise ship eternally, particularly those in steerage.

MARY: But…

LIEUTENTANT BARNES: Don’t worry. It’s like Korea.

(Five hours later, in the cold, black water, Rose Buckley III, a young attorney in the justice department, is floating on a piece of driftwood. Struggling to hold on to her is Jack Goodling, a dashing Cato Institute Fellow she met on board. For a while, Rose tries to help him, but soon she gives up, and he begins drifting out to sea.)

JACK (Yelling): You promised me you’d never let go!

ROSE (Yelling, but evasively): I’m sorry, Jack. I don’t remember the details of that meeting.

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Whole Foods, Half Truths

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“Rahodeb was an online pseudonym of John Mackey, co-founder and chief executive of Whole Foods Market Inc….For about eight years until last August, the company confirms, Mr. Mackey posted numerous messages on Yahoo Finance stock forums as Rahodeb. It’s an anagram of Deborah, Mr. Mackey’s wife’s name….Rahodeb expressed pride in the CEO’s work. ‘While I’m not a “Mackey groupie,”‘ he wrote in 2000, ‘I do admire what the man has accomplished.'” — The Wall Street Journal, July 12, 2007

No official reaction has been issued by the Unauthorized John Mackey Fan Club or its officers (president Jonathan McKey, vice-president Mack Johnny and treasurer Johnny Mack Brown). The issue has not been raised in the club’s very active online discussion forums (most popular thread: “What Do You Love Most About John Mackey?”).

Fact-checkers are advised not to rely on Mackey’s personal Wikipedia entry (currently locked to prevent further editing), which has, on various occasions and without citation, described the CEO as “handsome,” “too smart for MENSA,” “really good at Monopoly” and “consistently underestimated and underpraised by family, friends and competitors.”

Amateur investors may want to reevaluate their reliance on the “Supermarket Spotlight” blog — updated daily by “produce enthusiast” Deb Raho — which has named Whole Foods Market its “Retailer of the Week” for the past 93 consecutive weeks.

Readers should not be excessively influenced by comments posted to the “Supermarket Spotlight” blog by “R.H. Adobe” (the site’s only commenter), including, “UR so right about Whole Foods!” “Waiting in line is just part of the experience!” and “I’d rather shop at Whole Foods than do just about anything, except eat the delicious food I buy there!”

Customers have flagged as “unhelpful” a number of product reviews on Amazon.com, written by “Top 1000 Reviewer” B.D. O’Hare, that mention Whole Foods or its products favorably (e.g., “Justin Timberlake and Timbaland are a delightful team, as fruitful as the partnership between Whole Foods and Jamba Juice!”).

Local authorities are investigating a series of pizzas ordered over the telephone by “Herb Ado” and delivered to the home of former Wild Oats Markets Inc. CEO Perry Odak on several Friday nights this past winter (always with a topping of locally-grown wheatgrass, at an additional $6.50 per pie).

Human Resources departments at several major corporations are questioning the authenticity of a reference letter from Professor Jack Yame, recommending Mackey “in the strongest possible terms” for “any job for which he might apply” — despite Mackey’s failure to complete his college degree, which Professor Yame says “would have been an empty formality, in this case.”

Journalists have called attention to several comments on Mackey’s MySpace profile, complimenting his facial hair (“Nice ‘stache, bro! Wish I had one!” from “HoleFudsboy”), “Books” selections (“I luv The Little Prince too OMG its so amaaazing,” from “Deb Rules”) and management style (“You are the best boss to work for! I tell everybody! They are so jealous they don’t work for you too! But I tell them they should move to Denver where your store is hiring part-time employees! I tell them interviews are held between 9 and 11, Monday thru Wednesday! And they should bring 2 copies of their résumé! Whole Foods is an EEO that does not discriminate on the basis of race, sex, religion or sexual orientation! TTYL!” from “Mack the Knife”). Further investigation reveals that all of these comments come from users whose profiles list “Whole Foods CEO John Mackey!!!” under “Who I’d like to meet.”

High school classmates of Mackey’s cannot vouch for images in his “Prom Memories” photo album — including those captioned “Posing with my date,” “Crowned King and Queen!”” and “One at a time, ladies, one at a time!” — which closer inspection reveals to be composites created using craft paste, an X-Acto knife and back issues of Seventeen magazine.

Permanent record files at Mackey’s grade school offer no explanation for a third-grade report card on which someone, reportedly Mackey’s teacher, wrote “Grate job this year!” in suspiciously amateurish cursive.

The members of Whole Foods Market, Inc.’s board of directors have been asked to disregard an anonymous letter sent to their homes, signed “A Concerned Silent Partner” and insisting that Mackey’s actions are “probably not illegal,” “really quite shrewd, when you think about it,” and “certainly not the sort of thing that should inspire a vote of no confidence on your part.”

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