1. What is Best Buy’s policy on returning damaged items?
While Best Buy’s official policy states that we do accept returns on damaged items, said items must be manufacturer defects (i.e.; must reflect structural damage or operational malfunction at or before the point of purchase). Our policy further states that once an item has been opened, its tag removed, or its packaging altered in any manner whatsoever, responsibility for the structural integrity of that item falls solely on its purchaser.
2. All of your products are packaged. How am I supposed to know if something was damaged before I opened it?
Best Buy does not sell damaged or defective products. That is not in our policy.
3. Why was my digital camera broken when I opened it, then?
Best Buy cannot speculate on an answer to this question, as it is not in our policy to do so. Besides…you would probably know better than we would.
4. But I didn’t damage it!
Yes, you did.
5. Okay, how did I do it, then?
Perhaps you accidentally dropped the box before you purchased it. Or, maybe your kid, pretending it was a football, threw the box out of your shopping cart.
6. Wait a sec…how the heck did you know that?
Best Buy is omniscient and pansophical.
7. You realize those mean the same thing, don’t you?
Oh? Whoops! Guess we should have consulted our extensive array of electronic dictionaries, PDA’s, and handhelds from our Office Products section, near the rear of the store! We offer everything from basic devices to the most up-to-the-minute technologies, all at unbeatable prices.
8. Really? Sounds kind of neat. I think I’ll go back and — hey, hold on just a minute! I’m still not satisfied with my experience here. Is there someone else I can talk to about making a customer complaint regarding my camera?
Absolutely. Please step over to our Customer Care center at the counter opposite this one and they will assist you in filing an official complaint.
9. Am I not in that line now?
No. You are in the Customer Service line. You will need to speak with a Customer Care representative to register a complaint. Official complaint forms may be picked up at the Forms and Warranties counter near the front exit.
10. But I just waited an hour and a half in this line. Now you want me to go stand in two more lines?! Where’s the store manager?
If you wish to file an official complaint and speak with a store manager, you will actually need to stand in four more lines: Customer Care, Forms and Warranties, Managerial Appointments, and Managerial Consultations. Unfortunately, our policy states that Best Buy management may not be consulted without an appointment. If you wish to avoid the wait, you may also schedule an appointment by phone between the hours of 11:00 p.m. and 3:00 a.m, Mountain Standard Time.
11. Okay, okay, hold on. Let’s be reasonable. What if I have a warranty? Here. Will that make a difference at all?
Again, we must redirect you to the Forms and Warranties counter. However, we should advise that, depending on the type of warranty you purchased, it may not be the right kind. In fact, yes, we are certain it is not the right kind.
12. But you didn’t even look at it!
Correct. The Customer Service Department is not permitted to address warranty issues. Such inquiries must be presented at the Forms and Warranties counter, or discussed with a store manager.
13. You’re kidding me, right?
That is not in our policy.
14. Shouldn’t you guys have explained all this when I bought the warranty in the first place?
We did. Best Buy cashiers are trained to make all aspects of your warranty clear at the point of purchase. Speaking of clear, have you checked out the resolution on Sony’s new line of High Definition TVs? We’re offering them at a special discount till the end of the month!
15. You don’t think I’m falling for that one again, do you?
We had to try.
16. Would you mind trying a little harder to replace my camera, then?
We feel we have offered an exhaustive list of options in light of your particular situation. Replacing your camera, however, is not one of them. Nor will it ever be. No matter what.
17. Fine! You just lost my patronage forever! How about that?
Actually, that isn’t really true. Remember the two hundred dollars in Best Buy gift cards you got for Christmas? You know, the ones that say, “Not redeemable for cash?” Feel free to throw them away, if you like. Either way, we’ve already got the money.
18. You know what I’m going to tell your manager? That he’s running a Godforsaken crap hole!
We would advise against registering such charged complaints. Best Buy firmly maintains an equal-opportunity stance with regard to employees and customers alike, in strict compliance with anti-discrimination labor practices. We therefore will not investigate or even acknowledge any complaints suggestive of religious, sexual, or racial prejudice.
19. It’s a colloquialism, for God’s sake!
We trust the previous answer was clear on this issue. Also, when you buy that electronic dictionary, we would like to borrow it for a second.
20. Aren’t you people the least bit ashamed of yourselves?!
Best Buy proudly offers great service and top-quality products at even better prices.
No, in other words.
21. Yeah? Okay! You can take this camera and stick it where the sun doesn’t shine, you bastards! Also, will you do me a favor and ring this DVD player up here?
Because your patronage is important to us, we will make an exception this time and ring you up here. You may not use your gift cards toward this purchase, however, as the Customer Service register only accepts cash, credit, or debit.