Corporate Sponsored Proofs for the Existence of God

By: Justin Kahn

1. The Argument from Design

Imagine that you are walking in the woods when you trip over a rock. You kick the rock aside, thinking nothing of it.

Now suppose you are walking through the woods and you slip on a finely crafted timepiece. It is not damaged by your clumsiness. In fact, despite being exposed to the elements, to the attacks of animals, and the general effects of the passing of time, it is as reliable as ever. You pick it up and notice the elegant composition, the attractive features, and its aura of prestige. You open your mouth and sing the praises of the watch.

Ordinarily, you are self-conscious of your tone deafness, but right now it doesn’t matter. Only one thing matters: figuring out where this watch came from.

You look at it carefully. It is a Rolex. Precision. Craftsmanship. Timelessness. Reliability.

Now when you look at the universe what do you compare it with? A common rock or the timepiece worn by Eric Clapton? When the Rolex Corporation looks at the universe the answer is clear: just as elegant timepieces require Rolex, so the universe requires a Maker, who is most likely Swiss.

2. The Ontological Argument: A Proof from the Nature of Existence

Everyone has the idea of God. The idea of God is that of the greatest conceivable being.

In order to make progress on the question of God’s existence we have to ask a question often heard in the halls of Apple’s development labs. That question can be stated as, “Which is greater: What exists only in the mind or what exists in the mind and also outside of the mind?” Let’s take the

example of an operating system.

Let’s suppose a visionary named Steve has the idea of an operating system that is user-friendly and reliable. Is this the greatest conceivable operating system?

Philosophers have generally said no. The greatest conceivable operating system is the one that exists as an idea, and actually exists in the world, perhaps installed on an aesthetically pleasing PowerBook (even though it becomes much easier for competitors to steal your ideas).

Philosophers agree that we have the idea of God. The question philosophers debate is whether the being than which no greater can be conceived is a being which exists only as an idea in the mind (similar to our competitor’s best products), or as an idea which exists in our minds and the world (like Steve’s ideas and how they are actually manufactured and lining the walls of our Apple stores)?

That there could be any disagreement amongst philosophers on this point shocks us in the development lab, who take it as an obvious truth that something that is in the world is better than some fleeting idea that pops into your head after a few too many. Which is greater, we ask you: the company who thinks that MP3s are the future of personal music, or the company which thinks MP3s are the wave of the future and builds it and gets U2 to endorse it and offers the best warranty on the market for any personal MP3 player?

We answer, the company that builds — and did we mention sells — a sleek, affordable MP3 player.

Similarly, once we have the idea of God, we can ask which is greater: The God that exists in the minds of our visionary board members or the God who exists in the minds of our board members and exists in the world?

Answer correctly and you will be entered into a contest to win a free iPod shuffle!

3. The Argument from Morality

If God exists then not all things are permissible. As we examine our conscience we find that certain things are not permissible. For example, downloading illegal movies. You wouldn’t steal a heart from a little boy who needs a transplant. So why would you steal a movie? Besides you are not stealing from big corporations but the little guys. Guys like Tom who is crippled by Carpal Tunnel because he has to hand-carve the little tabs that hold your DVD inside the DVD case.

Let’s suppose, for the sake of argument, that you would watch an illegal copy.

Imagine yourself trying to enjoy that pirated copy of a movie knowing that the DVD case factory has shut down because no one is purchasing the movie.

You can see that it is only a matter of time before this once-vibrant metropolis becomes a ghost town.

Naturally, once the DVD case factory has shut down Tom’s employment as a subcontractor for DVD tab holders is eliminated. When you imagine unemployed Tom sitting in a pile of his DVD tab holders, do you think you have ruined his life? Maybe not. Perhaps Tom Jr. will comfort him. Assuming Tom Jr. feels up to it, which seems unlikely, as he knows that you were thinking of stealing the heart he so desperately needs.

This image of you as a career thief and murderer is offered just for the sake of argument. Of course you wouldn’t enjoy your murderous pirated movie, because you know some things are really wrong, even if you don’t get caught.

Yes, you have toed the edge of the rules that make civilization possible, but you can’t follow through. If you wouldn’t steal a movie from us or an organ from a kid, then not all things are permissible. If not all things are permissible then there must be a being even greater than the Anti-Piracy Trust that has given us these guidelines. This Being is the one referred to in any quality, copyrighted and copy-protected edition of the Ten Commandments as “God.”


Spring Has Sprung!

By: Lincoln Michel

Dear readers, I awoke this morning to the sound of a small bird chirping his heart out on my window sill: the sound of Spring. Then I heard the sound of my cat, Timbers, snapping the bird’s spine like a sprig of celery. That was the sound of Nature.

Yes! Spring is here and Nature is in full bloom! And who better to offer his helpful tips to readers than yours truly, a ten-time 6th grade substitute biology teacher? With spring comes the arrival of new baby animals to our surroundings. If you come across a seemingly abandoned baby bird or rabbit in your backyard, do not touch it! If the thing wasn’t good enough for its own parents, it isn’t going to be good enough for you.

The arrival of spring also means the arrival of Nature’s supermarket: the woods! All kinds of nuts, berries and other tasty treats appear during spring. Hamburgers may not grow on trees, but small birds do. Well, they live in them, and I’ve never been one to split hairs. My point is, they taste just as good on a bun with ketchup and pickle.

If you forget your shopping list when wandering through the woods, just peel off a piece of bark (Nature’s paper!) and if you also forgot a pen, use a sharp stick and your own blood (Nature’s ink!).

Best of all, shopping in the woods means you won’t have to risk severe blood loss when clipping coupons (“Newspapers: The Danger in Your Driveway,” April 12th). If you need transportation to take your “groceries” home, try to find a wild horse (tip: No reins, fair game!). Once you locate one, it’s best to sneak up behind one and begin patting it firmly on the rear. Horses are quite proud of their nice buns, which is why they are called Nature’s Brazilians.

But be warned! Nature is not without its dangers!

Nature’s wrath comes in unassuming forms. Loyal readers will remember the terrible Bluebird attack I suffered (“A Thrush with Death,” May 5th) and my ongoing campaign to legalize hunting them to extinction (“Am I the Only One Thinking of the Children?!” June 20th). Many a full-grown man has been brought to tears by this scourge of the sky.

Another of Nature’s most dangerous creatures are bees, which can attack like a swarm of flies. Just remember that bees derive their power from the mother nest. If you sense an oncoming attack, go on the offensive and destroy their nest with a large stick! This will render each buzzing beast as harmless as a fly.

Hardly a year goes by that we don’t hear about a vicious shark attack. Most biologists believe that sharks attack people because they mistake them for seals. When a shark approaches, knock the beach ball off your nose and stop clapping immediately!

In the event of an attack, always keep in mind most animals are as afraid of you as you are of them. If attacked by a wild animal, instead of running away, why not stand up for yourself for once in your life! At least if the animal is small and you think you can take him. If attacked by a larger animal, like a Grizzly bear, quickly curl into a non-threatening ball. Then tumble away to freedom (this only works on hills).

If the attack is coordinated by more than one animal, like a Grizzly astride two wolves, geez…I don’t know what to tell you.

Even though Nature is dangerous, we should remember it is also beautiful and wonderful, especially in springtime. In fact, as I often say, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a poem as lovely as a tree. Although, I guess that’s a stupid thing to say, since you don’t really “see” poems. I’ve never seen a movie as beautiful as a tree. Well maybe Robocop, you can’t really beat that, but not the sequels where he gets all lame. So: Robocop, a tree, then Robocop II and III.

Perhaps most importantly, Nature can teach us many things about life. I like to think of the forest as a repository of knowledge, like a library except without any books and where the patrons squawk and howl constantly.

Remember the Nature fables of Aesop (“Ol’ Soppy” to friends)? For example, there is that one about the mouse who begged the lion for his life and promised he would return the favor one day. The two stayed friends for awhile, but the lion grew resentful of the mouse’s success and that favor never got returned. Then one day the lion screwed the mouse out of a bunch of money on a real estate deal or something. I think the moral was: don’t do business with friends unless you are in a really tight spot. That is something I had to learn the hard way (“Brad Millington is a Grade-A Jerk!” Oct. 25th).

Well, I guess that about wraps up my essay on spring. Let me end by saying to my readers that before you dismiss Nature as irrelevant to your modern lives, think of that other fable by Ol’ Soppy, the one about the boy who cried wolf: There was a lonely farmer boy whose best friend was a hound dog. He played with that dog all summer long until the day his father walked by and screamed “That ain’t no dog! That’s a wolf!” The boy freaked out and chased the wolf away. But then he had no one to play with and spent the rest of his days crying “Wolf! Wolf! Come back!”

The same could happen to you.


Omnibus Parking Lot Regulations

By: David Martin

All-Purpose Parking Lot Regulations

Please note that the hours of operation are for our convenience, not yours.

Please take a ticket when entering the lot. Failure to take a ticket will result in payment of the maximum daily rate squared and/or impoundment of your vehicle.

Please leave a $20 deposit with the attendant as well as your driver’s license and at least two major credit cards.

Please leave your keys with the attendant. We are not responsible for any damage to your vehicle, additional tire wear or excess mileage reading on your odometer.

Please ensure that your gas tank is at least 3/4 full.

Please do not complain if your radio presets have been changed. Accept that some people have different tastes in music.

Please do not lose your ticket. It is your only hope of ever retrieving your vehicle.

Please do not quibble about the extra fifteen minute charge. Accept that not all clocks are perfectly synchronized.

Please do not complain to the attendant about exorbitant parking charges. He cannot understand you.

Please note that no one has ever successfully qualified for the “Early Bird Special.”

Please park in designated parking spaces only. If there are no free spaces left, please leave your car with the attendant who will make space for it.

Please do not complain about scratches, dents or multiple striations on the bumpers and sides of your vehicle. Please remember that space is at a premium.

Please stop if you feel speed bumps as this lot does not have speed bumps.

Please do not park in the handicap spot unless you have a valid permit or have been mugged after entering the lot.

Please do not complain about food stains on your back seat. Our employees have to eat somewhere.

Please lock all valuables in your trunk. Management is not responsible for any lost or stolen property.

Please do not leave bodies in the trunk. That is management’s responsibility.

Please do not lock your glove compartment. This will avoid unnecessary crowbar and screwdriver damage.

Please do not complain about used condoms or syringes in your car. We’re just trying to make a living.

Please do not complain that it would be cheaper to park your car on the street. If you could have found a space on the street, you wouldn’t be begging us for a spot. Have a nice day.



Future Works of Jim Davis, #59-97

By: Justin Warner

Garfield Phones It In

Garfield Gets Drunk

Garfield Binges and Purges

Garfield Staples His Stomach

Garfield Downloads Porn

Garfield Molests Odie

Garfield Worships Satan

Garfield Mocks the Disabled

Garfield Redistricts Arkansas

Garfield Joins the Klan

Garfield Burns a Church

Garfield Harasses Planned Parenthood

Garfield Freebases Coke

Garfield Opens Yosemite for Oil Exploration

Garfield Plagiarizes His Memoirs

Garfield Bitch-Slaps Oprah

Garfield Reneges on His Child Support

Garfield Freaks Out at the OTB

Garfield Ignores Yet Another Court Summons

Garfield Turns Tricks

Garfield Represses Self-Loathing

Garfield Nukes Iran

Garfield Assassinates the President of Ghana

Garfield Single-Handedly Trashes the Philadelphia Airport Hilton

Garfield Replaces Cerberus

Garfield Kills His Father and Marries His Mother

Garfield Defrauds Social Security

Garfield Scavenges a Hospital Dumpster

Garfield Briefly Embraces Christianity

Garfield Impregnates a Walrus

Garfield Carjacks Your Mother

Garfield Exploits Hmong Child Labor

Garfield Drinks the Blood of the Vanquished

Garfield Gets Hepatitis

Garfield Punches an Orderly

Garfield Lingers on Dialysis

Garfield Chokes On Vomit

Garfield Biodegrades